Because it’s not a cool restaurant without exposed brickwork.
1. A name that doesn’t give any clues about the type of food they actually serve.
Either made up of two people’s names like “Barnaby and George” or a single word selected at random from a dictionary.
2. A hilarious sign outside for people to Instagram.
Lure them in with a light-hearted chalkboard.
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3. Exposed red brickwork.
It’s nice for diners to be constantly reminded of the industrial revolution while they eat.
4. Tables that were never meant to be tables.
Old barrels are good because they have no legroom and force the diner to sit sideways or attempt to straddle the thing.
5. Uncomfortable chairs.
The fun thing about having quirky mismatched chairs is that 90% of them won’t be at the right height for the tables.
6. Old-fashioned light bulbs.
Those ones we stopped using at least 50 years ago because they’re so dim you have to get your phone torch out to read the menu.
7. Exposed air-conditioning ducts.
“How will the customers know we have air-conditioning if they can’t see it?”
8. Bare floorboards.
A restaurant needs to appear to have sprung up organically in an old builders yard, rather than carefully curated by a group of mustachioed interior designers.
9. Random framed photos of Edwardian people.
Nobody will ever ask the waiters who they are because they’ll be too scared of looking like an idiot for not knowing who Albert Einstein is.
10. Menus printed on “distressed” paper, and then stuck to a clipboard.
Without the currency in the price, to trick you into not realising how expensive it is.
11. The word “artisan” just thrown in at random throughout the menu.
12. A black-tiled bathroom.
The bathroom needs to make customers feel like they are at a Berlin sex club, and not attempting to have a nice dinner with their work colleagues.
13. Weird steampunk sinks and hand-dryers in the toilets.
“I like this Dyson Airblade, but it needs to look more like a prop from Mad Max.”
14. Really fucking expensive versions of food you ate as a child.
Mac and cheese. Grilled cheese. Hot dogs. Cereal. etc.
15. Some sort of deconstructed version of a dessert.
“We couldn’t be bothered to properly put this cheesecake together. Here’s some Philadephia and some strawberries, now go away and be grateful for what you have.”
16. Locally made versions of normal soft drinks, that most people will be afraid to say they dislike.
“Oh yes this homemade Cola is just as good as normal Coke and in no way reminds me of fragrant oven cleaner.”
17. Along with exactly one craft ale that you have never heard of.
You haven’t heard of it for a reason – it tastes like asparagus piss.
18. “Twists” on classic cocktails, but with sillier names.
It’s not a proper edgy restaurant unless half the cocktail menu makes you cringe with embarrassment when you have to say it out loud.
19. “Small plates”.
Mouthful-sized dishes where you need to order about 30 to feel full.
20. Food served only on slates or breadboards.
Even though these are impractical for everything apart from sandwiches.
21. Condiments that have been transported from the container they came in to a more whimsical one.
Ketchup in an espresso cup anyone?
22. Wine served in something that clearly wasn’t designed for serving wine.
A pint glass, an old tin can, a test tube? Whatever you want really as long as it isn’t a wine glass.
23. Overly loud music that in no way fits with the theme of the restaurant.
If your restaurant serves Mexican food in a pseudo-Victorian setting it’s good to play Icelandic house music, at a volume that means customers have to repeat their order at least three times.
24. Waiters who don’t wear a uniform.
Because the easiest way for customers to get service is to gesture at the nearest person in plaid and hope for the best.
via – buzzfeed
